Adventures in Dating (or Marriage)

I'll kick it off. For some reason I keep attracting strange men (for real, I once dated this guy who thought he was Elvis, I'm not sure if it was a delusion, but he liked to impersonate Elvis). Anyway. We had only been dating for about a month an it then it was Christmas and he gave me a present. I wasn't expecting anything so I was surprised to get anything. (I have to admit here that I really didn't know how old he was I SWEAR). I was 16 and he turned out to be 34 (I found that out later). He had bought me this outfit that looked very similar to a "Catholic school girl" outift and the crazy thing was that it fit perfectly. It was all too strange.

I don't think I have had any weird dates...

I did have one guy that was shorter than me show up for a blind date...I am only 5'4" people! And I do have the BEST breakup line...a guy dumped me because and I quote, "God, told me to". He still hasn't been able to live that one down.

Oh...it isn't considered a first date...but back in high school, the first time I think I ever saw Josh Sissom out of school was when Angeline brought him to see me in the hospital. I was drugged up and had bandages covered in red jello and blood under my nose with a splint and 2 black eyes. He is a brave boy to have wanted to date me after that scene!

God told me to is an exellent excuse. I've heard of people using it. Very funny.

I had this completely high hippie mural artist that wanted to father my children following me around while I was knocked up with Hannah Jane. I think he ultimately e-mailed David Baker that he had been my lover and that Hannah Jane was actually his and because I wouldn't return his calls he needed David to update him or something. I can't remember exactly how that all played out.

david? any of this ringing a bell?

PSYCHO! Flattering in a sick sort of way, but totally psycho.

Well I love my girlfriend, and I love cars, so one time she bought me an Easter basket filled with toy cars. It was sweet and that's my weird gift. One of her gifts of a gift card to Best Buy helped me buy an HD DVD player with only one problem... Toshiba stopped manufacturing them and Best Buy sent all the HD DVD discs back. They don't carry them in any stores now. Except used ones. So I use it to "upconvert" regular DVDs (make them have higher resolution output). It basically looks more real.

I have another weird one.

I had been dating this guy for a few weeks and it was about to be my birthday. AGAIN, I was not expecting a gift. So he was asking me all the stuff I liked and I just decided to throw out a buch of different stuff I was into. I told him about a few things and he latched on to one particular item that I said I was interested in. . . a butterfly knife. I can't recall why I even mentioned it but I did. So what does he get me for my birthday but a butterfuly knife with a curvy blade. It was really cool, but not exactly a gift for a lady.

Which is similar to another story where the punch line is that a guy I wasn't even technically dating bought me a Samuria knife with a 7" blade for Christmas.

Do I have "Buy me dangerous weapons!" written all over my face?

God told me to!

to get weird stories about my dating life, you would have to go to the girls i dated.

Everyone deserves dangerous weapons.

skyla wrote:

I had this completely high hippie mural artist that wanted to father my children following me around while I was knocked up with Hannah Jane. I think he ultimately e-mailed David Baker that he had been my lover and that Hannah Jane was actually his and because I wouldn't return his calls he needed David to update him or something. I can't remember exactly how that all played out.

david? any of this ringing a bell?

PSYCHO! Flattering in a sick sort of way, but totally psycho.

YES! I remember that - I still have that original email saved in my hotmail. I didn't delete it because I just knew at some point he would kidnap you or Hannah and I'd have to use it as evidence against him to prove that he was crazy.

Thanks for looking out for me, David. Crazy hippies can be hard to shake. I do have to say I worry about that actual event. Once we leave OR I'll feel much better.

Heather, didn't you have a husband who dressed up like a ninja and tried to off his grandma? Wound up in prison? That's the version that was relayed to me across the continent through the grapevine. Care to set the record staight?

Okay, I'll play. When I was at WKU I met this nice guy named Watson at this end of the world party. His family owned this funeral home in rural KY. He was studying to be a funeral director but the weirdness factor was diminished by the fact that he would in fact someday own a funeral home. So we had spent quite a few weeks talking on the phone and hanging out and whatnot and he asked me to come up and meet his parents. So I went up there one weekend and met his parents and they were nice and they went out to dinner with some of their friends which left us all alone. Did I mention that their house is attached to the funeral home? Kind of like a morbid mullett, business in the front, party in the back. They even had a hot tub. So he offers to give me the "grand tour" and he went around showing me the different rooms. Then we get to the embalming room and he says "I got you something." He proceeded to get a chain mail halter top that he had ordered from ebay and told me " why don't put this on and sit up there" and by "up there" he meant the stainless steel embalming table. I think he had this whole necrophelia fantasy all planned out. Needless to say, I was outta there. Normally I wouldn't mind playing along, but you just can't spring that kind of shit on someone, ya know?

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OMG Brandi - that is totally freaky!

I don't see what was so weird. You shoulda played along. Prude.

Any joke here would just be wrong. But there are a million going through my mind.

I think you win...you need to submit it to James Patterson for a short story!

Yeah, he kept trying to call me after that but I was trying to make it clear that I was no longer interested. I really thought he was a nice guy, except that his hands were really soft, like gross satiny man hands soft. Luckily, I met Leo shortly after that.

His hands were probably preserved and soft from embalming fluid or something.

That's what I thought about every time I held his hand, EEEEWWW

skyla wrote:

Heather, didn't you have a husband who dressed up like a ninja and tried to off his grandma? Wound up in prison? That's the version that was relayed to me across the continent through the grapevine. Care to set the record staight?

uh. that's not exactly what happened. I sent you a p.m. it's too embarassing to broadcast all over this forum.

I had a recent date that went horribly wrong.

We met. Went out several times and had fun. It was around our 6th-7th time to go out that I went to her place and found her drinking. No big deal right? So she had a drink before I got there. I no longer drink, but I have no problem with it as long as others don't get sloppy drunk around me. And she knows that. Well, that is exactly what she did. It was like watching a train wreck. She became a totally different person that I had to baby-sit all night. We went out to dinner and she wanted to sit at the bar. She was knocking over chairs and she even ate with her hands. We went back to her place where (long story short) she manages to drunk-dial the wrong people and gets fired from her job. Now that takes talent = getting fired on your night off! Anyway, her employer came to her place to take the company van back from her and she went "drama-mode" on me. She couldn't find the keys for the van, didn't want them to know she was drunk and couldn't even remember why or if she had gotten fired! Once that was over she lay on the bed and wanted me to come lay down with her. She was an attractive woman, but not anymore. She had showed her true self and I wanted no part of it. I got outta there asap. A few days later she txt me "I just got out of jail" - I didn't respond and haven't called her since. That was near 2 months ago. I feel kinda bad about giving her the snub. But I don't want/need people like that in my life.
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Yea, good call David. It sounds like that wasn't a random occurrence for her.