Randomly Funny Parenting Junk

So I'm sure those of you with little ones have all got some great stories under your belt and Hurley won't leave me alone until I have shared this one with the masses. Let this get the ball rolling on your best and most embarrasing parental moments...


You know how you can only read the same kid's book so many times before your brain stops actually reading each word and more glosses over and fills in the gaps? It's something like how you stop reading the music and just play once you've rehearsed the same song 50 times. Anyway, there's that classic ankle biter's favorite, Guess How Much I Love You, and it is pretty irresistible so we've read it like a thousand times.

So there we were in the Dr's office…6 or so kids with nothing to do but wait and sniffle and me with a copy of this book. As I start reading it aloud to my kids, others start to gather round and I just take on the role of Mother Goose to all these poor feverish and hacking little souls.

I finish the book and, while still basking in the warm fuzzy feeling that comes with reading a book about cute little bunnies to kids who's own mommies don't really seem to care much for anything but their own lattes, I hear a kids tell his mom, "I thought that rabbit's name was Little Nutbrown Hare." In my head I'm thinking, "It is!" Then I think back to my reading. I can hear my own voice in my head clear as day saying, "Then LITTLE BROWN NUT HAIR…!" Oh my gosh! Did I really just say Little Brown Nut Hair 20 times in a row in front of these kiddos? I think I did! Sure, they didn't notice how raunchy that is but what about the receptionist? The triage nurse? The latte sippers? I might as well have just yelled, "PENIS!!!!" across the hospital. I could have died!

Suddenly sure that some adult there must have heard me and laughed to themselves about that woman with way too many kids and obviously no self control (which is the joke in our neighborhood) who is so gutter-minded as to change the name of a classic kid's character into this perverse Little Brown Nut Hair, I felt betrayed by the author. Who is this person who gives innocent little bunnies names so easily confused with such filth? Curse be on her where ever she is! May her publishing company dump her and all her cute little nutbrown hares be forgotten to gather dust in the annals of obviously twisted children's literature!

I love that story. No one corrected you not even the kids thats the best part.

An annoyance for me.
I wanted nothing to do with being in room when my wife was giving birth. We cut a deal though and I was allowed to bring my Gameboy and Playstation as long as I stayed in the room. During the birthing process I did glance over to see what all the damn screaming inturupting my game play was and saw the most disgusting sight that I have ever seen. The head of a living being coming out of the mommy parts of another living being. It still haunts me.

Izzy came out and everything gets quite while waiting for the cry. The nurse stops dead in her tracks and very loudly says OH MY GOD. Now I am interested and like oh my God what finish the damn senetence, and she did. OH MY GOD....IT LOOKS JUST LIKE HIM. With the long drawn out him like mabye she was talking about some one other than me so now I am saying WHO, WHO DOES IT LOOK LIKE. She looks at me like I kicked her in the head and says, YOU, SHE LOOKS JUST LIKE YOU.

What the hell lady I know I can't be in movies or anything but she was freaking like Alien just gave birth to predator. She tried to cover with the I've just never seen a resembalance this strong crap but talk about feeling like crap. Not only am I a freak I just created the next generation freak. I guess its good that the Olivia looks like mom.

I am laughing sooo hard at that one Hurley!

Dude, they all look like little aliens to start. When they get older the problem becomes looking attheir old toddler pictures and saying to yourself, "Really? I totally thought they were the cutest thing in the world back then, even though they were goiing through that [/i]so ugly only a mother could love them stage? Then you think to yourself thank goodness thy outgrew that![i]

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Return of diaper head.

I've gotta second that nurse. With the diaper on the head, the resemblence is astounding.

My little one was born 7 weeks early so she was really tiny and had to stay in the Neo-natal Intensive Care Unit (NICU) for 2 weeks before I could bring her home at a glorious and hefty 4lbs 4oz.

When they're born early they're still covered in the fine hair that they have in the womb called lanugo. Well my munchkin had a lot of it on her face but it was really light in color. She had lost most of it before I brought her home. Well, I understood what it was and so did my mom.

Imagine my surprise when my sister approaches me one day when my daughter was about 3 weeks old and asked if Jubilee was ever going to lose the hair on her face. (my sis is 3 yrs older than me). I looked at her and said "of course. it'll go away when she gains more weight, maybe a few more weeks." Kristen sighed with relief and said "thank God. I was not looking forward to taking her to her first lip waxing."

I almost forgot about this. My kid had problems with potty training. Probably because she was a preemie. I cut her some slack over the issue. So she would get these absolutely wretched "diaper" rashes. She would complain "my booty hurts".

Even now sometimes, if she doesn't wipe good after she poops she'll complain that her "booty" hurts. And the most hilarious thing is when she complain that "my booty hurts. it has a crack in it."

How do you respond to that?!? I mean really! I've tried "it's supposed to have a crack in it". I feel so stupid having this conversation with her. I've even resorted to saying "gramma's booty has a crack and nanu's booty has a crack. everyone's booty has a crack!" (she calls my sister nanu)

The other week she was back to complaining about her crack in her booty and I finally just nudged down the back of my pants a little so she could see the top of my crack and said "LOOK! MOMMY'S BOOTY HAS A CRACK TOO!" "OH NO!"

(I really can't believe I just told y'all this)

I was reading all of these & they is so funny! Skyla, your little brown nut hair story is hilarious! All of us with kids know that anything can happen and don't ever think that it won't happen cause chances are they will! My husband and I have had so much crazy stuff happen.
Once we were eating in Subway and it was when we only had our oldest daughter, Alyssa. We were sitting at the table and this rough looking guy sits down beside us at the next table to eat. Gosh, I think Alyssa was like 5 or 6. Well anyway, she looks at the guy and told him "your ugly!" My husband and I looked at each other like, I cant believe she said that! Then my husband told her: No Alyssa, you don't say things like that to people! I was so embarrassed I didn't know what to do! I apologized to the man and he said that his mom might think the same thing cause he hadn't shaved in a while. It looked like more than 'a while.' So we hurried up and finished our food, apologized to him once more and left. I felt so bad for that guy.

I have a similar story.
My oldest demon and I were at a store not to long ago. The little demon is a fan of Sponge Bob and therefore any thing oceanic. In the aisle that we were in was a man with a bandanna covering her head and a patch over one eye.(you see where this is going) I took the man for an old biker. My demon however didn't. She started screaming "Daddy its a pirate, and he only has one eye and he is ugly. Don't let the pirate man get me." It was at that point that I was so glad I carry a gun anywhere I go(its my American Express card). Lucky for the biker and I guess for me he laughed and went all pirate voice on her and she loved it.

Yeah, Hannah Jane was totally fuzzy. Her hairline went all the way down to her eyebrows like a little turantula. I was sure we were going to have to drop a ton in electrolysis bills. But luckily it all fell out.

Did any of you take a nursing class before the little ones were born? That's big here. Anyway, in mine they passed aroung this baby doll and a big stuffed boob so you could postition the baby on it correctly. I dropped the toy boob and it rolled on to some prospective dad's foot and he handed it back to me all pink in the cheeks. There's something about exchanging a toy boob with a total stranger that made that trip to the midwife feel more like a trip to the adult store.

We went to some BS class called something like "birthing" or "labor and parenting". They showed videos and had the girls put a clothes pin on one ear for a full minutes to "simulate" the pain of childbirth. I giggled through the whole clothes pin ordeal which made everyone look at me like I was crazy and threw a few of the men into giggles.

The instructor told me if I could laugh through that, than labor would be a breeze. Unfortunately I didn't get to go through labor due to complications and had an emergency C-section 7 weeks early. I really did want to experience labor too. The really crazy thing was that I was getting about 2 ultrasounds a day for a week and I still didn't know I was having a girl until she was born. She was very "modest". Always had those ankles crossed and still does.

hurley1313 wrote:

I have a similar story.
My oldest demon and I were at a store not to long ago. The little demon is a fan of Sponge Bob and therefore any thing oceanic. In the aisle that we were in was a man with a bandanna covering her head and a patch over one eye.(you see where this is going) I took the man for an old biker. My demon however didn't. She started screaming "Daddy its a pirate, and he only has one eye and he is ugly. Don't let the pirate man get me." It was at that point that I was so glad I carry a gun anywhere I go(its my American Express card). Lucky for the biker and I guess for me he laughed and went all pirate voice on her and she loved it.

Yeah. I was in K-Mart with my turkey-head once when she was 2 1/2 and I saw a real "tough customer" coming our way. He looked like he hadn't shaved in days and was wearing a bandana and chaps. I could tell he was a biker, but that's cool with me cause I ride with my boyfriend. Well, she looks right at him and says "HI!" with a big grin. He said "hi" right back to her. I'm trying to teach her not to say "hi" to everyone.

She rolled her window down just last week and started talking to a lady in the car next to us at the Pharmacy Drive-thru. I was trying to tell her to be quiet and leave the lady alone and give my info to the Pharmacy worker at the same time. I almost gave myself whiplash!

Hunter hit a clerk at the store in the head wih a candy bar. Not part of a tantrum. Just wanted to see what what she would do. enough said.

The olympics are on and I watch them. My crazy heathen Izzy watches with me. I never thought much of what I said in front of her before. I was however proud when she finally learned to flip the bird, she now knows only to do it to me but it still makes me laugh like someone farting in public. I hate China and have expressed it in many different words and ways.

I was at Krogers today and our bagger was a man of Asian decent. Izzy turned to me and said(very loudly) hey dady you hate him. I said hate who? The man from China , you hate China daddy, they cheat and still suck, right daddy. Thay are dirty communist(her saying it sounded like comynuisty). The bagger said "actually I am from Korea". In most cases that would have made everything okay, but....
My Grandfather was in Korea and I have taken a liking to MASH which is focused on Korea, so I have abused Koeraens verbally as much as Chinese and Izzy also stays up late to watch MASH with me.
Her reply was "Well thats just as bad".
The chinaman still gave her a balloon but me a dirty look.
Sorry to the Asian nation should come next but fudge you, I don't fucking care. It would be the same if the sorry ass Ruskies or Nazis' were revelant anymore.

Sadly, it seems the Ruskies are once again becoming relevant these days.

How up to date you are Brandi. The dirty Russians are fixing to fudge us good. Buy Guns and buy ammo cause when Curious George gets into office we are all fudged.

Dun Dun duuuuuhhhhh!!!!

One of my friends sent me this and I thought it was cute. I believe those of you with kids would agree.



MOTHERS

Real Mothers don't eat quiche; they don't have time to make it.

Real Mothers know that their kitchen utensils are probably in the sandbox.

Real Mothers often have sticky floors, filthy ovens and happy kids.
Real Mothers know that dried play dough doesn't come out of shag carpets.

Real Mothers don't want to know what the vacuum just sucked up.
Real Mothers sometimes ask 'Why me?' and get their answer when a little voice says, 'Because I love you best.'

Real Mothers know that a child ' s growth is not measured by height or years or grade...It is marked by the progression of Mama to Mom to Mother...

The Images of Mother

4 YEARS OF AGE - My Mommy can do anything!

8 YEARS OF AGE - My Mom knows a lot! A whole lot!

12 YEARS OF AGE - My Mother doesn't really know quite everything.

14 YEARS OF AGE - Naturally, Mother doesn't know that, either.

16 YEARS OF AGE - Mother? She's hopelessly old-fashioned.

18 YEARS OF AGE - That old woman? She's way out of date!

25 YEARS OF AGE - Well, she might know a little bit about it .

35 YEARS OF AGE - Before we decide, let's get Mom's opinion.

45 YEARS OF AGE - Wonder what Mom would have thought about it?

65 YEARS OF AGE - Wish I could talk it over with Mom.

The beauty of a woman is not in the clothes she wears, the figure that she carries, or the way she combs her hair. The beauty of a woman must be seen from in her eyes, because that is the doorway to her heart, the place where love resides. The beauty of a woman is not in a facial mole, but true beauty in a woman is reflected in her soul. It is the caring that she lovingly
gives, the passion that she shows, and the beauty of a woman with passing years only grows!

Quiche kick ass. Oh I love my breakfast pie.

hurley1313 wrote:

How up to date you are Brandi. The dirty Russians are fixing to fudge us good. Buy Guns and buy ammo cause when Curious George gets into office we are all fudged.

I thought "Curious George" was already in office and he has been screwing us over for the last 7 years!?!?!!?

Monkey face maybe screwing us, for sure. But Obama is a curious george clone.

How awesome would it have been though to get a pic with Dick Cheney in a yellow suit with Bush.